Feeding My Child

I was planning on writing this post when my daughter was seven or eight months old after documenting the first few weeks of feeding her solids but I kept dipping in and out. Instead, reverting back to breastfeeding because that was easier than trying to keep a small human alive in a pandemic with actual food, even though there was little else to do. Every parenting task I’d faced to that point I’d found so overwhelming that to add cooking more food to that list was crippling. Almost 18 months later, here I am with a lot more experience behind me to share with anyone vaguely interested in what my little one eats.

I found the thought of having to build up to feeding her three meals and two snacks a day of varying textures, nutritional value and increasing volume so intimidating because I knew that once I started, I could never go back. Those fears weren’t alleviated by the number of mums I know telling me how much they loved weaning their babies and how easy they found it to knock up a mushed up concoction of some sort and lovingly watch their child demolish it while they ate an adult version, glass of wine in hand, face set to smug.

I’m not sure who needs to hear this but when you admit to struggling, the least helpful thing in the world is someone else telling you how great they are at the very thing you’re scared about doing. People’s inability to just listen and (at least try to) empathise never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, I now enjoy feeding my child and some mealtimes are very enjoyable. That’s not to say it is or has been easy. The amount of wasted food, the paranoia about her choking, her seating arrangements, the bibs (we’ve been through so many bibs and she now refuses to wear one), the utensils, using the right cup and the age she should be when she’s able to pick up the cup and drink from it herself. Not to mention the various ways in which I should teach her to drink through a straw or the pressure to make sure there’s enough variety for her to try in short space of time before she develops the realisation she can refuse. She can now drink from a cup herself but chooses not to. And taught herself to drink from a straw months after I ‘should’ve’ taught her.

It’s been intense, very messy (after the pretty food photos were taken) and beautifully relentless.

The first food I fed her was a piece of broccoli accompanied by some broccoli puree as suggested by baby and child nutritionist Charlotte Stirling-Reed whose weaning webinar I’d done a few weeks before. All I’d heard about was ‘baby led’ weaning where you place appropriately sized pieces of vegetables in front of them and watch them go wild. Before and after photos taken for prosperity. Charlotte suggested doing both finger foods and puree, which was the worst thing I could’ve heard given I was already so broken that to add more work to my daily routine when I was barely existing made me more stressed than I pretended not to be.

I pureed some broccoli. And the look on the baby’s face has forever embedded itself in my mind as she gurned and winced and glared at me wondering why I would inflict such horror on her. It was hilarious. I tried to explain.

I apologised for having the audacity to give her unseasoned broccoli and the next day gave her unseasoned cauliflower, pureed and steamed. She was just as unimpressed and smeared the cauliflower around and demanded to be extracted from her table-attached high chair that weeks later we had to replace because she refused to sit in it anymore. The third day was a potato. This continued.

At seven months her first tooth came through which coincided with a holiday to Cornwall so I stopped weaning temporarily because the thought of dealing with teething pain as well as panicking that I’d given her the same vegetable two days in a row while being in an unfamiliar environment and still struggling with my health and nap times (both mine and the babes), it was easier to just have two weeks off. No one noticed. She gnawed on carrot and cucumber sticks. Boob on tap.

We got home from the holiday and finally my health started to improve. My body seemed to get stronger and a few months later after she turned one, I started taking CBD oil again and my confidence returned, my anxiety dissipated and at long last I found a rhythm in the kitchen again. There’s so much pressure to start weaning at 6 months on the dot (or as soon as the baby can sit up unaided, among other things) and to build up quickly to three meals a day. Not to mention introducing healthy, age appropriate snacks and to share the progress in various mum groups and online. I initially found the pressure (that I’d probably mounted on myself) too intense to enjoy the journey. Plus because I am currently a stay at home mum I didn’t have a deadline to get the babe eating appropriately for childcare so I could and should have relaxed more. That’s easier said than done when you’ve got my brain.

After starting again on our return from Cornwall with the single vegetables and getting her used to those, I upped it to two items on her plate, once a day. And then three. And then started to give her baby versions of what I was cooking for myself and my husband adding herbs and spices bit by bit. I’d ditched purees long ago as it was more hassle than it was worth and she didn’t eat them. Everyone talks about just giving the baby what you eat. It’s sensible and in theory most logical but in reality it’s not always practical.

It certainly takes practice to nail batch cooking for a family and making part of it baby friendly. My husband and I, despite lowering our salt intake since the baby started weaning, still use it. It’s quite the art to start cooking a meal and then, at the right stage, take some out for the baby then continue adding more seasoning to the adult versions, remembering not to overcook or burn either while cooking the various side dishes, in a tiny kitchen, with a baby hanging off your leg. My husband definitely hasn’t nailed this yet and on two occasions came to me proudly with his spicy curry that he just thought by adding (a lot) more water to would make it acceptable for his daughter. That’s not to mention the time he chopped a whole red chilli, seeds too and added it to another curry because ‘red chillies are never usually that hot’. I had no words. It took me a lot of practice to get things right, it’s going to take him a little more.

There was a window of time when this girl would eat everything I put in front of her. It was the most heart warming experience watching her get excited at every meal time and throwing everything I put in front of her down her throat. One of the takeaways from the initial webinar I did was to make sure you give them as much variety as early as possible so they get used to different tastes and textures early on. I thought I had it nailed and had a really good eater on my hands. I was careful not to brag about it too much because not only was she eating everything, she didn’t appear to have any allergies. Specifically nuts, which can cause so many parents and kids a lot of grief. I felt really lucky. Thanks to my doctor she doesn’t have an egg allergy either but that’s down to their incompetence that I had to test that in theory in the first place.

She continued to be a great eater, until, well she wasn’t. And practically overnight she developed an appetite for refusing everything. If so much food wasn’t being wasted it would’ve been hilarious watching her throw the lovingly made healthy savoury muffins at a wall. Or refuse point blank to eat the precisely quartered grapes she’d inhaled the previous day. She loves a bean. Black, black eye, kidney, butter, cannellini. This girl will delicately pic them out of whatever sauce I’ve made that she now disapproves of, one by one, pinky in the air. She’d eat a whole can of chickpeas if I’d let her.

I panicked and then I stopped panicking when I learnt food refusal is normal. It can be either developmental, or illness or pain or a decreasing appetite because she’s not growing as quickly as she was in the first few months of her life. And what’s normal for my child might not be normal for someone else’s. Which is why it becomes tiresome when I grab a packet of flavoured potato starch snacks and get a disapproving look from a mother whose child is younger and hasn’t quite got to the stage of only eating beige food. These are the same parents who proudly say they don’t let their kids watch TV. Look, I am thrilled for you if you have such endless time, energy and patience to cater to your child’s ever changing needs, constantly clean up after them and have such an array of entertainment up your sleeve that you don’t need screens. We are doing just fine over here, now shove your judgement up your arse and piss off.

Here’s a list of what I’ve learned over the past 18 months, what my girl eats and how it’s changed. These days I give her the same few meals on rotation and occasionally offer something new. Sometimes she tries it and cleans her plate, sometimes she doesn’t. And that’s ok.  There are things she loves like pulses and peas and potato waffles. And things she wont go near like watermelon and pears. I keep trying and doing my best and my best is enough. She’s thriving and growing and happy and loves an apple and cinnamon rice cake. And that’s all I can ask for.

Lovingly made blueberry pancakes that she hated with every ounce of her being.

A few things I’ve learnt…

◦            Share food. Let baby have choice in what they eat. Give them options, this or that and let them choose.

◦            Don’t overload plates as it can be quite intimidating resulting in refusal.

◦            Give them familiar foods regularly when they’re toddlers if they become fussy

◦            I was told not to offer different foods if they refuse what’s on their plate. In my case I do because I don’t want her to sub her meal for boob unless she’s poorly. Though babies do eat when they’re hungry.

◦            Always offer a meal even if she keeps refusing. Consistency is key.

◦            Keep to consistent meal times and try and enjoy meal times as a family.

◦            Let them watch you cook. A friend gave us their old mini kitchen so we can ‘cook’ together. It’s carnage.

◦ Don’t let the noise from other people get in your head unless it’s truly helpful. Trust your gut. Something I failed at time and time again.