ADHD & me in 2023

I’m impulsive and easily distracted. I’m emotional and extremely tired. I get overwhelmed doing the mundane tasks others seem to find straightforward and anxiety has crippled me since childhood. I stumble over my words, go on many tangents and I have debilitating self-doubt. But I’ve perfected the art of pretending I’m fine. Masking - a skill I developed and became so competent at, when I finally plucked up the courage to tell people about my diagnosis, some categorically denied I had it.

I spent my childhood never fulfilling my potential and being constantly reminded of it. I spent many years believing I was stupid and being reminded of that too. I wanted to learn but couldn’t absorb information, yet somehow managed to pass all my exams and get two degrees. I couldn’t stick at anything no matter how much I wanted to and have regrets still to this day. I was inconsistent and prone to emotional outbursts and spent a lot of time longing for another brain. I’d get terrified I’d get caught out so would play the fool as a distraction and hope no one would ask me a question I couldn’t answer. I binge ate and relied on my youth’s fast metabolism and constant state of terror to burn off the excess calories. I was addicted to comfort foods because they were the only things in my world that didn’t keep reminding me how awful I was.

I was diagnosed eight years ago. Before ADHD became a buzzword and those of us who suffer became the cause of frequent eye rolls. As more people have become aware that you can have the condition as an adult, diagnoses and the conversation around the condition have gone up astronomically as a result. I was lucky, because my life had fallen apart I was already in therapy and starting to unpack the first 34 years of my life so I already had support in place.

In 2015 I read a Guardian article about how students were boosting their brains with performance enhancing drugs to enable them to get through their studies. Despite having never tried recreational drugs and being terrified of them, the idea of a ‘smart drug’ made more sense than anything in my life to that point.

I desperately needed some help existing so without hesitation I ordered a packet of Modafinil online (I would not recommend this) and worried about the consequences later. I tried one and it was awful. I was awful. I didn’t see or feel any benefit and I was devastated.

A few months later I started therapy and after much despair my therapist asked if there was something to my throw away comment about probably having ADHD as a child. That was the moment that changed my life.

I was diagnosed by Dr Stephen Humphries who made me feel more seen than any medical professional I’d ever met. After a thorough examination of my symptoms and history, he gave me a diagnosis and suggested I start some medication gradually to see how I got on. There was no pressure, no upsell, just genuine concern and a desire to help, with the eventual goal to only take the medication as and when I needed it. I took Elvanse and while my mental health continued to spiral, the medication helped me suppress my emotions and focus on achieving. It was brilliant and I started frantically playing catch up on all the years I couldn’t get myself together. A dangerous side effect was that the medication was also an appetite suppressant which helped me curb my binge eating ways, so while I was busy achieving, I was also losing weight at an alarming rate and very rarely eating anything at all et alone anything nutritious. Dangerously, I loved it but it wasn’t sustainable, something I found out down the line.

I spent the next few years fumbling along, not really talking about my diagnosis or acknowledging my weight loss but enjoying the new me. My husband did not enjoy the new me at all. The medication made me hard and focussed and joyless. Old me was fun(ny), emotional and empathetic. I had no time for that version of myself anymore and I didn’t care. I was no longer crippled by self-doubt and I was finally feeling like the success I was desperate to be.  

When my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby I was forced reluctantly to come off the medication. Being confronted with the true me again was devastating but it was necessary. While I was getting used to my new brain, I was also forced to confront health issues I’d ignored for years resulting in major abdominal surgery and an inability to walk for several years after. I worked with Fazarnah Nasser, a functional medicine practitioner/nutritional therapist who helped me overhaul how I ate, eliminate gut issues and balance my hormones. It was a lot of work but learning how what I put into my body also affects my mind was key. Now I no longer take the medication, and while I still struggle a lot, removing triggers and understanding my intolerances has helped keep my symptoms manageable. Eating well, taking supplements and making other significant lifestyle changes has been instrumental in my recovery.

Reading Gabor Mate’s Scattered Minds had me crying at every page as he explains the origins of ADHD and how best to treat it. It’s the most compassionate, articulate book and because Mate has the condition himself, as well as being a physician, I felt safe and held reading his words. This was important at a time when ADHD is getting a lot of bad press. There’s the sloppy BBC documentary suggesting private ADHD clinics are prepared to give anyone a diagnosis. There are people like Nir Eyal suggesting we’re in control of our attention and just need to form better intentional habits. And social media is full of memes telling us that if we forget our keys or procrastinate, we have it too. It’s incredible hard to filter out the noise.

I haven’t taken my medication for four years. Some days I miss it terribly because I often feel useless and the feelings of overwhelm are constant. My to do list grows longer and longer and my time management can often be off. But that’s ok. I’ve slowed down in all areas of my life and my daughter has shown me a new way of living that I am enjoying more than I could ever have imagined. I’ve learned that I don’t have to try so hard to be or to achieve. I’ve learnt that my brain is ok as it is even if it takes me longer to complete a task. I am better off soft and loving and compassionate than so driven I don’t stop and don’t eat for three days or sleep and have heart palpitations (some of the side effects aren’t fun). It’s been an emotional and physical rollercoaster but for the first time in my life, I have finally begun to accept who I truly am.